I know I’m not the only one who will occasionally go back in the music archives of the mind for a song that just sums it all up. I have found that most of the greatest emotional music comes from my teenage angst years (mine lasted from ages 14 to 19). Today, I sat through two Linkin Park albums reliving how I felt back then and comparing it to now. The lyrics still permeated out of my pores while I heard them, my head bowed, sometimes singing, mostly just sitting and thinking.
It brought me back to a darkened room. I’m fifteen, and just had a bad day at school. I’d come home, close the shades, the curtains, and choose a CD to play in the radio. I’d lie down on the floor, and just smoke a cigarette, replaying the events of the day in my head, and the letting the music play. No one interrupted me, and I could stay that way for hours. But I’m not fifteen any more, yet I still feel plagued by the some of the same issues I had back then, mostly insecurities about myself and my future. I won’t detail them because I’m not brave enough to (yet). But, they’ve clung to me, these ghosts of my past, and over the course of these few weeks, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things, how much changing I need to do and want to achieve. I have been keeping mostly to myself, both online and in the real world, taking my son to the park and back, and keeping off the phone. I just need this time to myself.
I’m approaching week five since my last session with Sir Dre, and cleaning my home has been the only way for me to deal with the stress of what is going on at home, as well as in my mind. I haven’t had sex with Henri in weeks. I found that at this point, I can only function as much as my mind allows. I don’t even miss sex with Sir; but I do miss the whips, the spanking. I am not a woman who cries for every single thing. I will myself not to. I need another way of letting out my frustrations and emotions, and instead of crying, I get angry. I haven’t felt this way in months, and since that realization, my withdrawal symptoms have kicked into over drive. I haven’t masturbated since last Friday, and haven’t wanted to. It’s 11 pm and Henri is still in the gym; it’s his way of dealing with the stress, but that leaves me alone, and by the time he gets home and showers, I’ll be asleep.
However, things are already beginning to look up. But like all good things, it’s going to take another few weeks for the dust to settle back to ‘normal.’ Until then, I’m going to try to handle it the best way I can. But, I think that darkening my bedroom every once in a while, listening to songs from my adolescence, can be another way to de-stress until I get my shit together.