This is my place

I come here to vent. To tell my side of the story; my truth.

And the truth is, if you want to hear Henri’s side, you’re not going to.

Before it has been typed and published here, he has heard it first. The things I need to tell him, I do.

“I want more romance…

I want to be more sexually adventurous…

I want you to eat me out more…

I want you to spend more time with me…”

I have told him these things because as part of my personality and as his wife, I have always tried to be as honest as possible with him. I have always told Henri before you hear it from someone else, you’ll hear it from me first.” It is a sentiment I stick to, whether the conversation is going to start an argument or hurt his feelings. Most of the time, if I come here I am usually reiterating the same subject I have spoken to him about and nothing has changed. And if it were to change, I would mention it.

I could say trust me, but I don’t have to. This is my space, to write about what I feel.

I once wrote about Henri’s side of the story when I began seeing Dre the “Dom” (and yes that Dom part is questionable as he wasn’t much of a Dom by how he disappeared). In all honesty, he didn’t like people asking him via my blog how he felt. He thought it was useless, but did it to appease me and my readers. I approached him about a comment I received and explained to him what I had written recently. I asked him if he felt I was wrong or offended in any way. He simply said no, and continued working on his computer. When I pushed a bit further, he said

“Tell them that I whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Literally, sweet nothings. Maybe they will understand that.”

I appreciate tips, comments, and advice. However I feel that sometimes I am defending myself for how I feel. Our relationship is no different that an ocean tide; sometimes it swells and it is beautiful; other times it becomes a tsunami that wreaks havoc. I have exhausted my attempts at keeping our sex life alive; it is now his turn to flip that switch. I have, on more than one occasion, surrounded the house with candles, laid out roses, dimmed the lights, had wine waiting, music playing, danced for him with a sexy outfit on–for lack of a better word, I have wooed him. And not once in the fifteen years that we’ve been together has he done the same for me. However, when this is mentioned, some people then want to say

“Well then why don’t you leave him?”

To answer that question plainly, we have a child together and simply, I love my husband. I feel it would be selfish of me to end our relationship due to our recent problems alone and deny my son a family because we can’t suck it up for a while. He possesses other qualities that are good and noble. My marriage is, as others also are, messy and confusing at times. No we are not always happy, but we are not always miserable either. 

I think this best explains my current sentiment (from a page on Tumblr):

Marriage is not beautiful

Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you scream. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard that tears run down their face, and they can’t help but let out those weird gurgling noises. You see them at 3am when the world is asleep except you two, and you’re eating in the middle of the kitchen floor. You get to see the side of them that no one else does, and it’s not always pretty. Its snorting while laughing, its the tears when it feels like its all crashing down, its the farting, its the bedhead and bad breath, its the random dances, its the anger and the joy. Marriage isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It’s knowing that someone loves you so much, and won’t leave you even though you said something nasty. It’s having someone have your back no matter what. Its fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves. And it’s those nights you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them. It’s cleaning up their throw up, or just rubbing their back when they’re sick. It’s the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is. Because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you know. Marriage is not beautiful, but it’s one heaven of a ride.

-Scarlett

Try a little tenderness 


Most days, this is my inner-response when Henri pushes for sex. He insists, I resist. I give in every so often, just to release some steam from his pot. I have remained adamant that I will not enjoy myself unless he gives me something to enjoy. There was a time that the mere view of a dick sent my pussy into overdrive. That is no longer the case. Maybe I’m dumb for thinking this or even writing this, but even though we are married, I want to be wooed. I want to be chased; I want that over-the-top rose petals on the bed, tapered candles, champagne, bubble bath, strawberries and whipped cream romance. A massage would be nice, and a very long cunnilingus session that results in more than one climax. Jeez at least he used to aim for one; now, it’s been four years and counting since I’ve been brought to spasms by oral sex (sadly, niether he nor any other man has made that happen).

I would pray but I wouldn’t know exactly what to pray for. Better sex? A better relationship? Can one exist without the other? No, I don’t think so. So far, the interactions between us are fairly well. We talk, hug, and kiss; the normal husband/wife things that husbands and wives do. We make jokes and carry conversations about the environment, the future and politics (don’t get me started on Trump). From one standpoint, we are much better now than we were five months ago. But I can’t shake the fear that if we can’t find a way to better our sex life, we will end up in the same place we started.

I think I’m moving backwards somehow. I turned 30 last month and while so many other women told me that this is when they reached their sexual peak, mine is waning tremendously. I’m starting to think that old saying is true: If you don’t use it, you lose it. Still waiting for the dirty thirties to kick into high gear (at least shift into first gear). I’m going to fetch me a drink and listen to this song on replay. Consider it nostalgia at 1 in the morning.

I don’t know if I care anymore

That’s not completely true. I care about my family. I care enough about my marriage not to want it to end. The point more or less is that I seem to care about everything else more than myself. I’m not being selfless; I just don’t have the same energy I used to have when it came to me. 

I’m trying to lose weight because I feel I should. It’s about time. Plus being overweight my whole life is truly over done. Not quite sure that it’s a good enough reason,  but I’m grasping at what ever I can to motivate me. I spoke to my doctor who just increased my thyroid medication, and he confirms that it will be difficult but not impossible to lose weight in this condition. I have to work harder than ever, harder than others. I wish I would have paid more attention in biology when we spoke about the importance of the thyroid. Every time I go see my doctor (minus 1 visit in five years) I am told my levels are too high or too low. Too high and I get dizzy spells, headaches, tremors, and nausea; too low and my cancer can come back. Thyroid problems: the only thing my mother ever gave me besides her huge thighs. Ain’t that a bitch? 

I have not yet gotten my Sexy back. She’s still on hiatus. I don’t text nor speak to any men; rarely view porn; and hardly masturbate since she went away. I think I touched myself three weeks ago. (I’m going to have to keep better track of these things) I am currently writing this on my phone so forgive the premature publish earlier. I don’t use it to reach the cocks of other men now, so other than mindless game apps and infrequent use of Facebook or Instagram, I haven’t had much use of my phone.

I had a train of thought the other day; more like memories and day dreams. Heavy breathing; sweat on brows; burrowed faces in my breasts; a feeling of euphoria. Why does it feel like forgotten history? Reliving a past life…

I haven’t had sex like that since early last year. It upsets, more than just to tears. I get angry at the men who have been in my life, those who left and those who remain. But I expend my energy by doing nothing. I don’t want to fuck this feeling away; the ability to do that is gone for now. My libido is like a runaway teen; I’m sure she’s going to come back, just not sure when. I wish I knew though. I miss the passion and desire. Getting wet without intent. Heaving and gasping for air, my mind a complete blank. I miss those small moments of bliss. Come back…I miss you…

-Scarlett

The Weight of a Marriage

While I’d like to say that I took such a hiatus from blogging because I’ve been having this phenomenal sex life and I’ve been much too busy to write about it, that’s not the case (and it rarely, if ever, is). All my absences from the blogosphere has been because of some type of crisis, usually having to do with my lack of sex partners or sex in general. But it’s more than that this time.

A few months ago, late March, I had reached a boiling point. The intimacy between Henri and I became non-existent. The moment I realized we had reached a point of no return was two nights before our huge argument. I was set on approaching him that night; instead, I drank a few shots of Tequila and smoked some herb, dancing in the twinkle the lit candles cast, the ones I scattered throughout the living room relishing in the rarity of having the room all to myself (our room mate, currently completely moved out, had spent the night elsewhere that day). I had showered and put on a tight pink and gray lace nightie that hugged me in all the right ways. I felt sexy, wild, and wicked. I haven’t felt like that since…

Henri walked through the door and I pounced on him, a wild animal waiting for her prey in the shadows. I sucked his cock before deciding to ride him, full of heat and passion. And then, for the second time that week, I felt his cock go soft while it was inside me.

“I’m really tired babe. It’s just been one of those days…” An excuse I heard too many times before. I remember drinking and smoking myself to oblivion, documenting the remnants of my sex appeal on Instagram and feeding my depleted ego with the comments people left behind.

Two nights after that we had our huge argument. We sat down eating Chinese takeout, and I decided that while we were both there, alone and calm, I would ask him why we are no longer intimate, why he was obviously not sexually into me like before.

“I’ve told you before, your health is very important to me, and I think you need to take this more seriously. I want you around for a long time…”

“Okay. My health is why you won’t fuck me? I’m not disabled, so tell me what is really your problem, because my health and you not wanting to fuck me are two separate issues.”

But in his mind, they are one in the same. See, what he meant was the one thing a woman doesn’t want to hear from her husband; the man she has chosen to be by her side for life, one of the very few people who could take any pain away. How do you begin to tell your wife that she is physically unattractive? It’s hard, I know, and there is no right way to say it. But he let these feelings simmer for almost two years, and in the process we lost an intimacy in our relationship we had always reveled in. It had been one of the things that, despite having other sex partners, I thought had not faltered between us. I had been blind of course. There were signs, and I kept ignoring them because I didn’t want to face the fact that it wasn’t like that between us. More that he wasn’t like that with me. To be honest, it was not the only time where he hinted at a problem with my weight, even going as far as stating that I am clinically obese and that I had to do something about it or… I had been devastated that day. Of all the words to hear, even about fearing my health, I don’t expect to hear that from my husband. But that day in late March cemented my fears.

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It took me two weeks to be able to function without bursting into tears. My own thoughts alone drowned me: Shouldn’t he love me no matter what I look like? What do we do now? Are we faking it? I don’t think we can be together if we’re just faking it…it’s not fair to either one of us…

Our frustrations culminated into an argument a block away from home, while I was taking a walk to calm my nerves and he just happened to be leaving for the gym. We took the shout match into our car, fogging up the windows in weather that was a toe away from full Spring. It broke my heart to know that once upon a time we would have sweated the windows with passion, not heated hateful words that bounced off the leather interior. I will do anything–help out more, clean the house, be a better husband–if you commit to losing weight! To which I asked So our marriage depends solely on me losing weight? He gripped the steering wheel tightly, clenched his jaw, and took a long pause before responding with I’ve said what I’ve had to say. I slammed the car door and went home, too pissed off to cry.

It took two weeks before I let him kiss me hello when he got home from work. Before I let him hug me or hold my hand without flinching or pulling away. All I kept thinking was he’s kissing me out of pity, despite him telling me he loves me for me, that has not changed. You’re the love of my life; the person I want to spent the rest of my days on this Earth with. But his body can’t help feeling how it feels. And I know that feeling too.

by BlackCatShooter via Deviantart.com

Since our monumental blow up, I have not pursued any new lovers. I had one in line and the two times we were supposed to meet were canceled due to personal circumstances and I think it was for the best anyhow. I rarely masturbate anymore, and if we were having intimacy issues before, it became worse. For three months I rebuffed him at every turn. We had sex about twice, and those times were extremely awkward for me and I’m sure for him too. I wasn’t even turned on, my saliva being my lubricant and replacing my natural wetness. I was merely performing wifely duties and then escaping to the living room with my vibrator to fantasize about other men, touching me the way I wish he would. The other times he approached me with intentions of having sex, I would deviate from his plans and give him a blow job instead, giving him the release he wanted and in return releasing myself from an encounter I didn’t want. The tables have turned and it was no intentional. I am little to none sexually interested in him or anyone else. Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself, other times with him. Why have sex with someone who was and continues to be a selfish lover? All he cares about is getting his and doesn’t give a fuck about me and my orgasm. I know all the moves by now, so really, what the fuck is the point?

His excuse is that we (me is who he really means) are restricted to two positions. I call bullshit. It’s been like this for years, before I got to this weight, before I even had our son. It was one of my reasons for seeking sex elsewhere: no more intrigue. I knew how sex was going to go down before it even began. Someone told me once that bad sex was better than no sex. I disagree. Why have bad sex if it’s going to be disappointing anyway? I’d rather not have sex at all and save myself the displeasure.

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It took two weeks before we could speak without shouting and actually have a discussion. The biggest issue was my weight, that’s true. But there were other things that he wanted me to work on and vice versa. Initially, I had been stubborn about losing weight because it felt like I would only be doing it to appease him and his sexual appetite, and I didn’t think that was a good enough reason. Still I had to admit that my health comes first and so does my family. I would be stupid to say I want to do anything I can to save our marriage and not try to lose weight if that’s something that will improve not only us, but me all around. 

It’s harder than I thought it would be, but I’m trying. He tells me that he is turned on by my efforts; he sees the changes I’ve made, not just physically, but in my spirit. Right now all I can say is that I’m making changes, positive ones. We’re trying. There is still love here and as long as there is, we will continue to work for it. Giving up on us is not an option we have decided to take.

-Scarlett

Untitled

“Untitled” is kind of how I feel at the moment. I don’t have a word or a line to express what is going on in my life and in my head right now. I had someone tell me I should just write, and of all the people I know the encouragement came from a person I thought I left behind in my past and in a heap of disheveled sheets; Alejandro. We haven’t had sex in almost three years, but we keep in touch every so often. While I have been going through what I would consider a transition in my life, he has given me some advice that I didn’t expect. The most poignant thing was for me to go back to writing.

Just write, he said. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just start and the rest will come eventually.

This isn’t all I have to expose of what’s been going on. This is merely an introduction of sorts. Because what I do have to say is embarrassing, sad, at times angry, revealing, sometimes selfish, and hurtful. But its true. All of it. And it feels like I need to rev my own engines and find some fucking courage because I know (and I hope I’m right about this because I’ve been so damned wrong lately) that I can’t be the only person going or has gone through this. Maybe, the reason I’m really doing this is to know that if I fall and put it all out there, I will land on some sort of internet safety net. That I’m not really alone, no matter how alone I feel.

Love, Scarlett

Sex in the Hospital or The time we were Ghosts

Back in February I wrote a piece about the time Henri and I had sex in a hospital. It was posted to wonderfully new site, Simply Sxy, which I have been meaning to share. Here it is, please enjoy! And if you needed tissues to finish reading this, then I am one happy lady!

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It was the summer right after graduating high school. I was newly 18, ready for college, and deeply in love with my boyfriend. We had been together for almost two years and in that time had sex in a handful of public places, from parks to museums to busses. But sometimes we tried to push further, merely because we could. However this time the August heat was a contributing factor.

If you don’t live in a big city, then you can’t imagine the kind of traffic a person runs into at 3 in the afternoon. Add extensive heat and every single human emotion flairs up like a hot air balloon and it has to escape somewhere, somehow. Luckily we were in a city bus that was merely sprinkled with riders. After initially content to escape the heat, the frigid air conditioner quickly chilled the bus as we waited in traffic and I huddled against my Henri for additional warmth.

But I never just cuddle.

My hands wandered inside his pockets, at a time when he only wore boxers and it made it so easy for me to play with him. I buried my nose into the nape of his neck and nibbled slightly, causing him to smile. My heart warmed to see that smile, and for me was always a sign of encouragement. I whispered to him all the things I wish I could do if no one was here; how lucky he was that I couldn’t strip him of his clothes right then and there; and how slick and wet I was thinking of the possibilities…

The bus pulls into the next stop and finally the road ahead of us is clear of cars for the remainder of the ride. We were on the way to see my doctor, but she was the last thing on my mind. The touching never stops, and we were so anxious to have a moment alone. Entering her office, I was unusually giddy, and my doctor took this as sign of my being completely smitten. Yes, I was completely in love. But I was also sticking to the wetness on my panties and sitting next to him, not being able to touch him as I wished, was an excruciating feeling. I had to keep my legs crossed while he was there, the sound of his voice and the heat he emanated kept the flow of wetness consistent. When he was asked to wait for me in the waiting room until the appointment, he softly kissed my lips and his voice dipped low and rough to say

“I’ll be waiting for you…” in that way that only he and I understood.

I was impatient. I was hormonally desperate to escape this place and go somewhere, anywhere for us to have sex. But where would we go? The sun was still too bright outside to discretely find a spot in the park. And by this time the bus would be over flowing with people. We always find a place…

After I was done, I crossed the hall to find Henri sitting quietly, flipping through an old magazine. We stood in what was supposed to be a children’s waiting room, equipped with its own half kitchen and half bathroom. For months it had remained unused in the middle of a supposed reconstruction. The blinds had been turned down, and in the darkness the toys and books left behind gave the room a creepy abandoned house feel. I wanted to leave, but I wasn’t in a rush to enter the heat again.

“Are we leaving?” He was just as uncomfortable with the appearance of the room.

“Hold on, let me go check my hair in the mirror before we go,” and I headed to the small bathroom. The tiny toddler toilet was emptied of water, and the privacy curtain lay limp to one side of the bathroom, attached by two metal rings. Unused waiting room chairs stacked on top of one another completed what could have been mistaken as a storage closet save for the small clearing that remained in front of the sink and mirror.

“Trust me babe, this place has looked a lot better—” my lip gloss fell and in bending over to pick it up, I saw Henri’s feet approaching.

“Do you like the view?”

I received a hard smack across my bottom as a response and I laughed when he grabbed onto my haunches and bucked himself into me. “Are you getting hard, baby?” I did my little girl impression, pushing into him, slowly gyrating my hips and feeling his bulge grow under his jeans. He unzipped his pants while he locking the door behind us. My shorts were hardly settled at my ankles by the time he shoved his cock into me. He thrust hard, rotating his hips in wide circles; I covered my mouth with my hand to stop myself from screaming as he stretched my pussy with each rotation.

We hear chatter and footsteps approaching the room. We were initially frozen, but he slowly continued, pulling far out and rotating his cock in tiny circles on the nub of my clit, then entering me slowly, reminding me in a muffled whisper not to make a sound.

We hear the two women retrieving items from the refrigerator. Henri was relentless with his tease, and in the mirror I could see a mischievous smile on his face and the warmth of a hand moving across my back side. His thumb rubbed circles on my anus, adding various points of pressure here and there, moans managing to escape the prison of my fingers.

I don’t know if the women were still there or not, but for a moment the sound of the world disappeared and all I heard was the sound of our heartbeats synchronized with the huffs of our breaths. He went faster and my cunt felt the expansion of his cock and his cum filling me inside.

“Oh my goodness, did you hear that?”

“What the hell was that?! Hello? Is someone here?”

The door handle jingled, but we remained silent. The beads of sweat falling from my temple and my heartbeat sounded the same while I stood bent over the chair.

“Hello?! Jeez Lisa, this room gives me the creeps!”

“I agree, let’s get out of here. I’m keeping my lunch in my office from now on…”

We heard the footsteps fade away and fixed ourselves, withholding our laughter until we were safely outside in the August heat.

“Did you enjoy being ghosts for a while?” I asked Henri as we waited for the bus that took me home.

“As long as I’m inside of you, I will be anything, anywhere.”

-Scarlett Dubois

Featured on SimplySxy

His Winter Goddess

The man had a love of plants. He would always post pictures of his beauties (as he called them) online and videos detailing their care, species, and other information. I dubbed him the Handsome Gardener, but just Handsome when we spoke. He grew herbs indoors as well, eating one of the leaves in a video “because nothing goes to waste in my home.”

I commented with a cheeky “Eat it up!

And to that he wrote “I love to eat everything organic and fresh.

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This had been going on for some time now, the cute comments and texting here and there. We hinted at meeting up somewhere, but never laid down concrete plans. He was incredibly sweet, calling me names such as Empress, and Goddess. A text message from him never failed to make me smile, and even the comments he would leave for me online would brighten up a rough day.

I posted a photo online of a chicken recipe I planned on making for dinner that night. “All I need is fresh basil and rosemary and I can begin!” My phone lit up and buzzed; a new comment already! But this was a text message from him, my Handsome Gardner:

Hey! I grow those herbs here at my house. You can come here and pick them up if you like.

I was already dressed and ready to go to a market that sold those items. However, it was located about 45 minutes away from my home via public transportation, and this would be a great time, if one of the few that I could hang out with this handsome man.

Sure! That would be great! Give me the address and I’ll take a cab.

He was downstairs in front of my apartment building in less than ten minutes. It took us twice that time to get to his home, so I wondered if he had rushed over to me. The thought alone, of his possible excitement to see me, made me shiver while we walked through the entrance of his home.

It smelled like a day in woods when I was 10, where I would go fishing with my parents. The smell calmed me immediately, while flashes of squirming fish, the smoke of a fire, and the polyester blend of a tent so thin, I could see the stars twinkling through flooded my mind. We were still only in the living area. He motioned for me to continue following, and we past the kitchen, a mudroom, and finally found our way outside, a few squares of concrete separating us from the back yard. But it was unlike anything I had ever seen before in my life.

I am accustomed to a green lawn with a few chairs, a table, and maybe a pool. But this was an island within the island. From small potted plants, bright neon flora, and even an apple tree perfectly centered at the far end of his inner city oasis. I was mesmerized by the beauty of the tree, even though there were no apples in it. I felt fingers touch mine, and he softly raised my hand and place a newly plucked flower in it.

“Hellebores, commonly called a Winter Rose,” he said with a smile. Oh my, what a beautiful smile he has…

I slowly raised my head and was surprised to lock into his eyes. He took the flower and kissed it, sliding into my hair.

“You are beautiful,” he whispered, and my words of appreciation came out in girlish giggle. My smile caused me to blush again and I looked away, but his finger caught my chin and redirected my face back into the path of his gaze. He swiped a curl away from my eyes like setting aside a vine, and lifted my face unto his. Our lips met and did their dance under the apple tree lit by the sun and I felt like I was taken away from the world that I knew. Somewhere in the distance there was a ringing. The phone shook us out of our enchantment and he ran to answer it leaving me with a breathless “I’ll be right back” to hold onto.

I began to think about what he might be on the phone talking about. I know he was a very busy and man and taking care of these plants are a job within itself. I hope he doesn’t have to go…

I looked above me, the sun bobbing past the leaves into my eyes. The air, the sun, the trees, and the smell of the winter rose flowing through my body like poison. I lifted my hands in the air and caught the rays of the sun on my fingertips, the soft breeze caressing a section of my exposed stomach. My skin prickled in appreciation, and I instinctively removed all my clothing save for my cotton panties, the rest falling like leaves to a heap at one side, and allowed myself once more to salute the sun and earth with my hands stretched upright.

The air was cold, but it’s been much colder than this. Still, my nipples hardened and greeted the wind. It swept between my legs, and bristled the teeniest of hairs reaching the surface. I leaned against the barren tree, unbothered by the coarseness of the bark. I began to sway with the whooshing wind and brushing against the tree, and soon I resembled a flesh colored lizard, every inch of me covered in bumps, every part of me reaching for the winter air. I turned and let my nipples grace the tree, embracing it like a lover. I had forgotten about the handsome owner of this yard and merely enjoyed the silence of the cold winter air circling around me. His hand felt like an extension of the air, cold and hard, the back of his hand so cold it felt like steel, and traced the curve of my spine. Reaching the end, I shuddered and tipped my bottom up and stood on my toes.

“Keep your eyes closed, Goddess.” His hands became the wind and ran circles across my skin, ensnared itself into the roots of my hair and pulled, allowing him to easily kiss my neck. I went to reach back, to touch him, but he took my hand and slowly turned me around, whispering once again, “Keep your eyes closed…” and his voice made the heat rise in my cheeks. He took both my hands and placed them on his shoulders. I couldn’t help but place my own hands behind his neck and entangle my own fingers in his fine hair, pulling him in and kissing him hard. He grabbed my hands, firmly this time, and in a deeper tone, said

“Please, my sweet…” and softly kissed my earlobe. He proceeded to kiss me, trailing lower and lower, and his hands following in its trace, and seeking refuge upon my perked nipples. I felt his breath under my navel and my heart beat faster. He nudged his chin between my thighs and kissed me some more. His tongue parted my lips, his hands reached under and behind me, lifting my legs onto his shoulders, and he feasted. He held me firm and balanced, my hands reached out to clutch onto the branches above me. Snow, fresh from a quick flurry this morning, sprinkled down like feathers, and melted upon contact.

The first orgasm rolled on his sweet tongue and still he continued, my body spasming against his face pressed tightly between me. I kept my eyes closed but my screams I could not contain and I begged to be fucked, I needed it. It was a request that went unanswered and there he remained. He moved my buttocks up and down, grinding my body against his face until I took up the motion. He pressed harder and onto my second orgasm. He stood up from his crouching position, turned me around and took my place with his back to the tree, folding me into his arms and cradling me as the tree cradled us. He removed his coat and covered me in it, and we sat beneath the apple tree, my legs simmering down to a quiver. He found my flower, and put it in its former place, his finger lingering on an adherent curl. 

“My winter Goddess…”

– Scarlett

Masturbation Monday

An Untitled Message

The four-year anniversary of creating this blog passed about a week ago. I didn’t know what it was that I had begun, or even what I would write about. All I knew is that I needed to shed some guilt and hopefully find a way to express myself. Since my transgression was due to sexual repression, I began to write about my fantasies and past sexual moments that stood out in my memory, all having to do with my husband. Reminiscing about times before our son, before moving in together, before my cancer, before his diabetes, before the pressures of life diminished our fervent passions.

With the placement of our agreement, I finally decided to push apprehension aside and pursue those fantasies I had written about and searched for on porn sites. I went the route of fucking around, meeting guys online and meeting at the motel. I didn’t want anything elegant or romantic. My agenda had always been to just have great sex. I initially thought I needed a big dick, since Henri is not huge and has always been self-conscious about his size. But they weren’t as easy to come by so I settled with personality, with the penis a bonus. That turned out to be tricky because sometimes the personality was fantastic and the dick was sub-par. I quickly found out that I was tired of playing roulette with these men online, and after 4 hook ups, I was ready to take a break. Then here comes Sir Dre, in all his Domly glory. After our first meeting, I saw all the times I had searched for BDSM, Bondage, submission flash before my eyes and file itself away somewhere, because it didn’t compare to this. I had given my submission to someone and had it inexplicable stripped from me over a year and a half later by his absence. Three months and still no word. In a world so technologically advanced, that has to be a sign right? I don’t know what happened, or if I did anything wrong. But I know I don’t deserve this.

As I told my friend Chloe, it feels as though he was inadvertently preparing me for this. He had been keeping his distance from me, always because of work or something that was going on. But if I’ve learned anything this year, is that if someone wants to talk to you, they will. And it was a lesson that has hit me hard. This year, I’ve wasted my time waiting on men who were amazingly hung, insanely charismatic, one who appealed greatly to the bad boy persona every girl craves, and one man whom I had chosen to trust, who has honestly pissed me off more than hurt me with his disappearance. Still, at the very end of it all I got more heartache than dick, and that really grinds my gears. The headache, the bullshit, still all my fault because I had let it all get to me and searched for the wrong things.

In each of these men I found something that I was missing, that had left some time ago where we decided to stop trying and allowed life and its events get the best of us, Henri and I. We lay in bed and I looked at him and said “I think we–mostly me–should stop trying to fuck other people and work on this, us right here.”

And he began to pick something from his slowly growing beard.

I turned over and went to sleep, and tried again the next day.

With the weight of the holidays freshly behind us and a new year about to begin, I am so fucking ready to say goodbye to my 20’s and look forward what my 30’s bring for me to experience. This year emotionally kicked my ass, but it also taught me to grow the fuck up. There are more important things in my life to invest in, but I shouldn’t forget about the things that make me feel good. Plus, I want Henri and I to grow further together, and if we can still manage this other debaucherous lifestyle, that would be great but it shouldn’t replace us.

The future of this blog is currently undecided. So many others I know have disappeared, gone private, slowed down. I would be one of many to disappear. But this feels so intimate to me, like a great friendship that is hard to break, no matter the distance between us. For now I want to raise an imaginary glass of champagne to you all and tell you Happy New Year. I hope it brings good fortune, better sex, and more love than we have ever known.

Photo found on Google search

 

-Scarlett

A Change of Season

A Scarlet leaf that fell and found me.

The leaves were green and shedding their
Waxy exterior
When our eyes last met.
Now yellowing, some have begun
Their descent
Into the ground they’ll go, a new cycle to begin.
I feel the warmth of your memory
Growing as the days get colder;
Perhaps because my hope has not died
That I will see you sooner than expected.
I keep the feeling on my lips burning,
And the shivers left from your fingertips
On my thighs
Remain like the ardent etchings of a tattoo.

You are a rare Creature, one who
Takes flight
For a momentary and unnatural hibernation,
Where you disappear for moons
And ignore the change of seasons.
While you are gone, I cannot guarantee
Not to fall,
Or freeze with the coming snow,
Nor grow along the daisies in the Spring.
I await the fear of growth that comes from the
Seedling you planted,
Now much too long in the nature of our history.
I hope you rest well, dearly intrinsic Creature, and
Return as bright as the sun that will greet you.

-Scarlett

This may be the end of us…

I haven’t written about Sir Dre in months because there hasn’t been anything to write. We saw each other in April for a session at our favorite hotel. Work picked up generously for him and throughout the spring and summer, he spent it traveling and working. We would speak about once a week, sometimes the days between our phones calls would be longer, not exceeding two weeks. By August, when Henri went on a weekend ‘fishing trip’ (which ended up being a lie, but that’s another story entirely), I invited Sir to my home so that we can spend some time together. However, on that day he also had a job lined up and so we had only 5 hours to spend together. We did have sex, but it was nothing like our meetings at the hotel. We did one position twice and then watched television and took a nap. “Don’t worry baby girl; next time we meet up, we’ll do what we do,” he said.

Since that day, we have spoken on the phone a total of three times, once in August two days after we saw each other, and twice in September. I called almost daily, worried out of my mind that something may have happened to him. I had texted, sent emails, and received no reply. When he finally called me in September after over a month of no communication, he explained to me that he had been in a bad mental state, not himself since hearing he may need surgery for an injury he incurred sometime in June. While I’m understanding of this situation, I was upset. What makes you think its right for you to disappear for over a month? You ignored all forms of me reaching out to you, and I was completely worried about you. Why couldn’t you at least text me and say you were alright, you just needed space? 

He apologized and said it would not happen this way again, that he would make more of an effort to stay in contact with me no matter the circumstances. But here we go, over a month since the last time we spoke on the phone and still I have not heard from him. I understand his need for space, but I feel that as his submissive, I should be a person of comfort for him, not someone to keep away from. This pattern of separation seems to have grown and I feel that perhaps I should have seen this coming, but I honestly didn’t expect it, especially from Sir.

I recall a conversation we had last year, where he told me there would come a day where I would “outgrow him.” That I would reach a level of this lifestyle where I need more than he can provide, and I will have to move on. That conversation continues to play over and over in my head as I strongly consider cutting submissive ties with Sir Dre. Beginning this sexual evolution of mine, BDSM was not something I was looking for; it was a fantasy to me. Something I would search porn sites for centered around it and daydream of being in those situations, never thinking it could happen to me while I came to visions of it in my head. As I looked for a fuck buddy, Sir Dre crossed my path, and began to teach me about the lifestyle, taking me under his wing as a mentor. After our first meeting, I wanted to do this, to be apart of this feeling he provided as my Dom. Our first year was good, with our meetings sparse but fulfilling, and long intimate phone calls in between. This year however, seems more trying, and with the interim of communication growing longer apart, the distance seems so much more than what it is.

I have love for him, I do. But keeping me in limbo like this is frustrating, hurtful, and sexually stifling. I think that right now he should completely focus on his health in all forms, and I can still remain a close friend and confidant if he were to need one. Honestly, that is how I have felt for months. Our D/s relationship was only touched upon in our sessions at the hotel room since late last year. We don’t get into headspace over the phone or work on my submission to him otherwise and because of this, I’ve even questioned my role in the lifestyle. I believe it is time I step away from it, and while I wish him all the best, it is also best for the both us if I were no longer his sub. There are things within himself and his life he needs to work on and I feel there is no space for me right now.

If you have any words of advice, I would truly appreciate it.

-Scarlett