The four-year anniversary of creating this blog passed about a week ago. I didn’t know what it was that I had begun, or even what I would write about. All I knew is that I needed to shed some guilt and hopefully find a way to express myself. Since my transgression was due to sexual repression, I began to write about my fantasies and past sexual moments that stood out in my memory, all having to do with my husband. Reminiscing about times before our son, before moving in together, before my cancer, before his diabetes, before the pressures of life diminished our fervent passions.
With the placement of our agreement, I finally decided to push apprehension aside and pursue those fantasies I had written about and searched for on porn sites. I went the route of fucking around, meeting guys online and meeting at the motel. I didn’t want anything elegant or romantic. My agenda had always been to just have great sex. I initially thought I needed a big dick, since Henri is not huge and has always been self-conscious about his size. But they weren’t as easy to come by so I settled with personality, with the penis a bonus. That turned out to be tricky because sometimes the personality was fantastic and the dick was sub-par. I quickly found out that I was tired of playing roulette with these men online, and after 4 hook ups, I was ready to take a break. Then here comes Sir Dre, in all his Domly glory. After our first meeting, I saw all the times I had searched for BDSM, Bondage, submission flash before my eyes and file itself away somewhere, because it didn’t compare to this. I had given my submission to someone and had it inexplicable stripped from me over a year and a half later by his absence. Three months and still no word. In a world so technologically advanced, that has to be a sign right? I don’t know what happened, or if I did anything wrong. But I know I don’t deserve this.
As I told my friend Chloe, it feels as though he was inadvertently preparing me for this. He had been keeping his distance from me, always because of work or something that was going on. But if I’ve learned anything this year, is that if someone wants to talk to you, they will. And it was a lesson that has hit me hard. This year, I’ve wasted my time waiting on men who were amazingly hung, insanely charismatic, one who appealed greatly to the bad boy persona every girl craves, and one man whom I had chosen to trust, who has honestly pissed me off more than hurt me with his disappearance. Still, at the very end of it all I got more heartache than dick, and that really grinds my gears. The headache, the bullshit, still all my fault because I had let it all get to me and searched for the wrong things.
In each of these men I found something that I was missing, that had left some time ago where we decided to stop trying and allowed life and its events get the best of us, Henri and I. We lay in bed and I looked at him and said “I think we–mostly me–should stop trying to fuck other people and work on this, us right here.”
And he began to pick something from his slowly growing beard.
I turned over and went to sleep, and tried again the next day.
With the weight of the holidays freshly behind us and a new year about to begin, I am so fucking ready to say goodbye to my 20’s and look forward what my 30’s bring for me to experience. This year emotionally kicked my ass, but it also taught me to grow the fuck up. There are more important things in my life to invest in, but I shouldn’t forget about the things that make me feel good. Plus, I want Henri and I to grow further together, and if we can still manage this other debaucherous lifestyle, that would be great but it shouldn’t replace us.
The future of this blog is currently undecided. So many others I know have disappeared, gone private, slowed down. I would be one of many to disappear. But this feels so intimate to me, like a great friendship that is hard to break, no matter the distance between us. For now I want to raise an imaginary glass of champagne to you all and tell you Happy New Year. I hope it brings good fortune, better sex, and more love than we have ever known.