I don’t know if I care anymore

That’s not completely true. I care about my family. I care enough about my marriage not to want it to end. The point more or less is that I seem to care about everything else more than myself. I’m not being selfless; I just don’t have the same energy I used to have when it came to me. 

I’m trying to lose weight because I feel I should. It’s about time. Plus being overweight my whole life is truly over done. Not quite sure that it’s a good enough reason,  but I’m grasping at what ever I can to motivate me. I spoke to my doctor who just increased my thyroid medication, and he confirms that it will be difficult but not impossible to lose weight in this condition. I have to work harder than ever, harder than others. I wish I would have paid more attention in biology when we spoke about the importance of the thyroid. Every time I go see my doctor (minus 1 visit in five years) I am told my levels are too high or too low. Too high and I get dizzy spells, headaches, tremors, and nausea; too low and my cancer can come back. Thyroid problems: the only thing my mother ever gave me besides her huge thighs. Ain’t that a bitch? 

I have not yet gotten my Sexy back. She’s still on hiatus. I don’t text nor speak to any men; rarely view porn; and hardly masturbate since she went away. I think I touched myself three weeks ago. (I’m going to have to keep better track of these things) I am currently writing this on my phone so forgive the premature publish earlier. I don’t use it to reach the cocks of other men now, so other than mindless game apps and infrequent use of Facebook or Instagram, I haven’t had much use of my phone.

I had a train of thought the other day; more like memories and day dreams. Heavy breathing; sweat on brows; burrowed faces in my breasts; a feeling of euphoria. Why does it feel like forgotten history? Reliving a past life…

I haven’t had sex like that since early last year. It upsets, more than just to tears. I get angry at the men who have been in my life, those who left and those who remain. But I expend my energy by doing nothing. I don’t want to fuck this feeling away; the ability to do that is gone for now. My libido is like a runaway teen; I’m sure she’s going to come back, just not sure when. I wish I knew though. I miss the passion and desire. Getting wet without intent. Heaving and gasping for air, my mind a complete blank. I miss those small moments of bliss. Come back…I miss you…

-Scarlett

2 thoughts on “I don’t know if I care anymore

  1. Oh, Scarlett, I’m so sorry it’s rough right now. I really love your attitude, though, that it’s temporary and not forever because you’re right, things will be the way you want again. Take care of yourself, put good, clean fuel in your body, don’t watch the scale. Just nurture you like you were a seedling: with care and healthy things. xx Hy
    Hyacinth recently posted…Friday, August 28th, is Boobday!My Profile

    • Scarlett Dubois

      Thanks Hy! I really appreciate the encouragement. xxx

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