I haven’t written about Sir Dre in months because there hasn’t been anything to write. We saw each other in April for a session at our favorite hotel. Work picked up generously for him and throughout the spring and summer, he spent it traveling and working. We would speak about once a week, sometimes the days between our phones calls would be longer, not exceeding two weeks. By August, when Henri went on a weekend ‘fishing trip’ (which ended up being a lie, but that’s another story entirely), I invited Sir to my home so that we can spend some time together. However, on that day he also had a job lined up and so we had only 5 hours to spend together. We did have sex, but it was nothing like our meetings at the hotel. We did one position twice and then watched television and took a nap. “Don’t worry baby girl; next time we meet up, we’ll do what we do,” he said.
Since that day, we have spoken on the phone a total of three times, once in August two days after we saw each other, and twice in September. I called almost daily, worried out of my mind that something may have happened to him. I had texted, sent emails, and received no reply. When he finally called me in September after over a month of no communication, he explained to me that he had been in a bad mental state, not himself since hearing he may need surgery for an injury he incurred sometime in June. While I’m understanding of this situation, I was upset. What makes you think its right for you to disappear for over a month? You ignored all forms of me reaching out to you, and I was completely worried about you. Why couldn’t you at least text me and say you were alright, you just needed space?
He apologized and said it would not happen this way again, that he would make more of an effort to stay in contact with me no matter the circumstances. But here we go, over a month since the last time we spoke on the phone and still I have not heard from him. I understand his need for space, but I feel that as his submissive, I should be a person of comfort for him, not someone to keep away from. This pattern of separation seems to have grown and I feel that perhaps I should have seen this coming, but I honestly didn’t expect it, especially from Sir.
I recall a conversation we had last year, where he told me there would come a day where I would “outgrow him.” That I would reach a level of this lifestyle where I need more than he can provide, and I will have to move on. That conversation continues to play over and over in my head as I strongly consider cutting submissive ties with Sir Dre. Beginning this sexual evolution of mine, BDSM was not something I was looking for; it was a fantasy to me. Something I would search porn sites for centered around it and daydream of being in those situations, never thinking it could happen to me while I came to visions of it in my head. As I looked for a fuck buddy, Sir Dre crossed my path, and began to teach me about the lifestyle, taking me under his wing as a mentor. After our first meeting, I wanted to do this, to be apart of this feeling he provided as my Dom. Our first year was good, with our meetings sparse but fulfilling, and long intimate phone calls in between. This year however, seems more trying, and with the interim of communication growing longer apart, the distance seems so much more than what it is.
I have love for him, I do. But keeping me in limbo like this is frustrating, hurtful, and sexually stifling. I think that right now he should completely focus on his health in all forms, and I can still remain a close friend and confidant if he were to need one. Honestly, that is how I have felt for months. Our D/s relationship was only touched upon in our sessions at the hotel room since late last year. We don’t get into headspace over the phone or work on my submission to him otherwise and because of this, I’ve even questioned my role in the lifestyle. I believe it is time I step away from it, and while I wish him all the best, it is also best for the both us if I were no longer his sub. There are things within himself and his life he needs to work on and I feel there is no space for me right now.
If you have any words of advice, I would truly appreciate it.